My Story. . .

I know this is long, but trust me, you will WANT to know the ending and the road we have traveled! After lots of debating on whether or not to share this experience, I finally decided to post it on our blog for several reasons. First of all, I think that sharing this will help me to "heal my wounds." Second, if a friend or family member of mine was going through something like this, I would like to know about it. And third, I hope that by sharing this trial in my life, I might be able to help someone else who is going through a similar experience. So here it goes. . .
On May 30th 2007, Josh and I were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Taylin Lanae Hatch. My pregnancy went just as expected. We had no problems what so ever. I always say that we had her so easily with no troubles. We are so very grateful to have this sweet little girl in our lives. We really don't know what we ever did without her. I am so grateful that I have had three years of just me and Tay. I hope that I have been able to establish a good relationship with her, and that it will last forever! I know she is only three, but I really think that a good relationship starts early on! She tells me every day, "Mom, you my best friend!" I hope we will always be best friends!
In October of 2008, Josh and I were thrilled to find out we would be adding to our family in July! It was perfect! Exactly what we were going for! Taylin and the new baby would be just over 2 years apart! Couldn't have been better! So in January, I went in for my first prenatal appointment. I was a little nervous, and told my doctor that I had not really felt pregnant lately! Early on I had, but as the weeks went by, those symptoms started to pass. So right away my doctor said, "Well let's try and find a heartbeat." He tried for awhile to find a heartbeat, and as the minutes ticked by, I became more and more anxious. He then tells me that he is not finding a heartbeat. He decided to go see if we could go down and do an ultrasound. As I waited for him to come back, although I wanted to cry, I held onto hope that everything would be ok. Fortunately, they were able to get me in for an ultrasound right away. As they did the ultrasound, I laid there on the table praying that everything would be ok, and holding on to that hope. Soon I could tell by the look on my doctor's face and the ultrasound tech, that things weren't good. My doctor then tells me that they see one fetus that is pretty good size, but that it has not survived. It just didn't look quite the way it should. Then he tells me that they see another sac and embryo that is a lot smaller than the first one, but it is just too small to tell if it is viable or not, but that it did not look good. My doctor was so caring and concerned, as he made sure I fully understood everything and was ok before he let me leave. I fought back the tears, but as soon as I reached the privacy of my car, there was no holding them back. I will always remember that night and how thankful I am to have such a sweet and caring husband. When Josh came home from work that night, I was in the kitchen cooking dinner. He was so excited to hear how my appointment had gone, it only took him one look at me to know it didn't go so well. He took me in his arms, and I just let go and cried really hard. It took me quite some time to stop crying enough to tell him what had happened. I just remember telling him "it was twins, but it doesn't look good." In the weeks to follow, I went in several times for blood tests to track my HCG levels, in an effort to see what was happening. One twin we knew had not survived, but what about the other one? We didn't know and only time would tell! Time I didn't want to wait for! During those weeks, I would say I cried the majority of the time, although I still held on to that hope that the one would be ok. When the results from my blood tests came back, we knew my HCG levels were dropping and a miscarriage was inevitable. I decided I did not want a D&C. I just did not want to spend money on a procedure that my body would do naturally. The next couple weeks were really hard for me as I waited for my body to complete the miscarriage. Then on January 27, 2009 ( the day before our 3rd wedding anniversary) it happened! I was so thankful that Josh took the day off to stay home and take care of Taylin and I , because a miscarriage is very painful no matter what, but at 15 weeks it is extremely painful. It was pretty much a 12 hour labor, just like my doctor prepared me for. One of the hardest parts of the whole thing was that we had to save the fetal tissue in a container and take it in to the hospital for testing (sorry that's a little gross)! And at 15 weeks this fetal tissue was about the size of a fist. Physically, I was over the worst of it, I just had to take it easy for a couple days because I was so weak due to the large amount of blood I lost. Emotionally, I was a mess for awhile as I fought feelings of depression in the months to follow.
In September 2009, eight months after my miscarriage, we were excited to find out we were expecting again, only to miscarry several days later! But I didn't have much time to dwell on it, because I was pregnant again in October! The month or so that followed felt like a year, I didn't want to go through another miscarriage, and just could not wait to hear a heartbeat at my first appointment. But once again, there was no heartbeat to be heard! I had miscarried at about 8 weeks! Yes, that is 4 miscarriages in one year! Physically, it was much better than the first, I think because I knew what to expect. But emotionally, it became much harder. On December 15, 2009, I went in for my first prenatal visit. At this time I was measuring about 8 weeks, but my doctor could not find a heartbeat (which at 8 weeks, is not unusual). So the next day I went back in for an ultrasound, and they told me they saw nothing to indicate a pregnancy. They sent me to have blood tests done to make sure. On December 18th, my doctor called to tell me my HCG levels were down, so I had already miscarried which is what I feared! One thing that I think made it hard for me was on the very next day (Dec. 19th) Taylin and I left for Colorado to visit my family. So Josh and I did not have much time together to talk and come to terms with our loss. Due to a very personal, special, and sacred event that took place during this miscarriage, this trial turned into a spiritual struggle for me as well. I began to question everything about my faith and beliefs. I felt sad, mad, disappointed, angry, depressed, and unhappy. This was the very first time I had every questioned anything like this before. My faith, beliefs, and testimony had always come pretty easy for me. So why me? I was mad! Why did my Father in Heaven not want me to be happy? One night as Josh and I sat on our bed and I cried, Josh lovingly told me that our Heavenly Father knows what's best, he has a plan for us, and wants me to be happy. I responded by saying very upset, that he obviously doesn't want me to be happy, and that I would never put Taylin through something like this! Josh then told me that I would if I knew it would help her become the person she is suppose to be. I left it at that and continued to cry and feel angry.
In 2008, my dad suffered 2 small strokes, luckily he has recovered very well from them. After this happened, we soon found out that he has a genetic blood disorder called Factor V Leiden, which causes your blood to clot easier. While going through my first miscarriage with the twins, I was tested for this disorder and learned that I too have Factor V Leiden. So while in Colorado, I meet with a doctor there to see if this blood disorder could be the cause of my miscarriages. She said absolutely, because it causes blood clots in the placenta, resulting in miscarriage. She referred me to a perinatologist (maternal-fetal specialist). So after returning home, on January 20th 2010, Josh and I traveled up to Billings, Montana to visit with this specialist. On our way there I told Josh that I hope this specialist tells us that this blood disorder has nothing to do with it, and to just take some "magic pill" and all your dreams will come true! How wonderful would that be? So we got there and met with this specialist who told us that because I only have one gene of Factor V Leiden, that it is not necessarily the cause of my miscarriages. Instead they gave us a list of other possible causes that we could be tested for. So yes, they did tell me that this blood disorder doesn't have much to do with it, but they DID NOT give me that "magical pill" that I so badly wanted!
My struggle spiritually went on for a couple months. During this time we debated on whether or not to have more testing done to try and find the problem and treat it. Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks! Why on earth would my Father in Heaven bless me and trust me with another one of His sweet spirits when I am so angry, and mad, and sad, and frustrated, and everything else? I came to the conclusion that it must be my turn to have my faith and testimony tested . . . and I was not doing so good! I could let this test make me angry and tear me down, or I could learn from it, and let it make me stronger, and become the woman my Father in Heaven would have me be. So right then and there I started the path to repairing my relationship with my Heavenly Father. Around this same time, Josh and I also decided to hold off on more testing for now and just wait and see what happens. Due to a very special and spiritual experience we had, we decided that maybe it just hadn't been the right time for us to have more children yet, and that the time would come. We just have to have faith and trust in our Heavenly Father and His plan He has for us.
Also around this same time we had a very special visit one evening in our home by our very caring Stake President, and Bishop who understood our struggles at this time. Our bishop shared a story about a group of hikers that were preparing for a challenging hike. Some of these hikers preferred to take the short cut, and the other hikers wanted to take the very long and challenging trail up the mountain. They knew that if they took the short cut they would miss out on many of the amazing views they would get to see if they took the long, challenging trail. He related this to trials in our lives. Many times most of us would prefer to take the "short cut," but if we do that we miss out on those challenges, and special experiences that make us stronger, and makes our destination all the more worth while! I have thought about this many times over the last several months, and it has helped me more than I can say! It makes me want to get out of bed in the mornings and keep "climbing my mountain!" And for all of you who know Josh and I really well, know that we don't do much of anything the "easy way!" We must really like a good challenge!
I also have a very special sister-in-law (who I hope doesn't mind me mentioning this) that I have become pretty close with as we have gone through somewhat similar trials! One day as I talked with her on the phone, feeling very frustrated and discouraged, I asked "What are we suppose to do?" (I was very frustrated that this aspect of my life was out of my control). She answered by saying, "be thankful and love the two cute kids we have!" How true is that? And I can definitely do that! That has stuck with me since that day! We do have two of the cutest, and special little spirits from our Father in Heaven! I have always been so very thankful for Taylin, and this experience has made me 100X more thankful for her and the sweet little miracle she is! This was one thing I told Josh the day we drove home from Billings after meeting with the specialist. He indeed felt the same way! I am pretty sure I cried the whole way home that day, because I so badly wanted them to tell me what the problem was and fix it. But we were back at square one, with no answers! On the drive home as I cried, I told Josh that I just need a good cry and then I would be good (and cry, I did!!). I had to be good! Because I have a sweet two year old little girl that this could effect if I let it, and I was not going to let that happen! So there were many nights I stayed up crying into the morning, letting my emotions and pain come out, because by sun up I had to put a smile on my face and be the mom I need to be for Taylin!
I have a friend I have also become pretty close with, as she has also been through something similar. We have shared a lot of feelings and experiences with each other, and she has given me lots of good advice. One day she wrote to me and said, "Just keep your faith in that special blessing you received and take comfort from the fact that the Lord KNOWS your worries and struggles and will help you through it." That has been such a strength to me and also very reassuring! I am so thankful for all of my caring and loving family and friends who have been a support and strength to me during this hard time in my life! I am so thankful to those who have shared their experiences with me, it has helped so much, and has made me decided to share my own experience.
I am so thankful for my family- all of you (you know who you are)! For my parents, their love and support and strength, and the blessings my dad has given me! For Josh's parents, I have been greatly blessed to have married into an amazing family (I am grateful for all of you) and their love, support, and willingness to help in any way. I have been blessed with two amazing and wonderful families! And there are just no words to express my love for Josh. I am so blessed to have him as my husband. There is no one else I would rather "climb the hike" with, no matter how challenging it may be at times. But I do know in the end it will be well worth it! And I am beyond words grateful for our little TayTay! I love her so much and don't know what I would do without her. I wish I could just keep her little and with me forever! And I once again KNOW that my Heavenly Father and Savior live and that they love me, and that they do want me to be happy. I know that life will not always be as easy or as enjoyable as we may like, but it is nice to know we don't have to go at it alone. The Lord knows what we go through and is always there for us. He has also blessed me with a wonderful family, that will always be there for me! It may not be easy, but I know it will be worth it!
And know the ending you all have been waiting for!!! We are expecting again, and everything is going good! After finding out I was pregnant, I called my doctor and told him I was pregnant again and scared to death. He decided to have me come in for blood tests to monitor my HCG levels. I did this two weeks in a row. The first week my levels were right where they should be. And the second week my doctor told me that my HCG levels had actually gone up more than expected! Then we just had to wait four weeks for my first prenatal appointment. The night before my appointment, I had a really hard time sleeping! I began feeling more and more scared and nervous. Although I had been feeling and experiencing many pregnancy symptoms, I couldn't help but remember those feelings I have experienced several times when going in for my first appointment and being heartbroken with sad news! But morning came and I was off to the doctor's office! As my doctor tried finding the heartbeat, I became more and more anxious the longer it took. Finally. . . THERE IT WAS! Tears of relief and happiness came to my eyes! There is no way I can explain in words the feelings I felt when I heard this fast, little heartbeat! As I look back to my first doctor's visit when I was pregnant with Taylin, I am very sad to say that I took this experience for granite! I just EXPECTED to hear a heartbeat with her! It never even crossed my mind that just maybe there wouldn't be a heartbeat to hear! But now I know all too well that that is a very real possibility! And NEVER EVER again will I take such an amazing experience for granite!!! So after hearing that precious heartbeat, my doctor says, "I am not exactly sure what I am hearing, and you are measuring bigger! I think we might take you down to do an ultrasound to see if there is more than one baby! There is defiantly a baby in there, but whether or not it has company, we are going to find out!" So I went on down to Radiology to have an ultrasound done! As I sat there and waited for the ultrasound, I was again overwhelmed with feelings of relief and happiness! I have sat waiting for three ultrasounds before feeling very scared, hopeful, and nervous, and just hoping we were able to see a baby. . . but then the news was not good! This time I was able to know that there was defiantly a baby, just waiting to see if there was one or two! Wow! Well we did the ultrasound . . . and . . . there was one very healthy baby, kicking and jumping around, with a very fast and strong heartbeat! With all my ultrasounds with the miscarriages, they never let me see the screen, so I was so happy to be able to watch the screen and see our little baby jumping around! So needless to say Josh and I are thrilled! Taylin asks every day if the baby is ready to come play with her yet! And she likes to remind me, "Mommy, you tummy is getting bigger!" She is going to be a super big sister! She is already so excited! She likes to pretend that Josh and I are babies, and she takes care of us and does a very good job! I am so thankful that she will be at an age where she will be a bigger help to me!
Pregnancy has gone from a very happy and exciting time to a very scary and anxious time for me! In a sense I feel like I am holding my breath until the moment I get to hold this precious baby. But I am so so so very grateful for this opportunity we have to add to our family! With my miscarriages I have been through, I have started off the pregnancies "feeling" pregnant and then all of a sudden those "feelings" and symptoms are gone, and then I have wondered and worried that something might not be right. And sadly they weren't ok. Since my miscarriages I have prayed to have and experience all those discomforts that so many women complain about during pregnancy! I am happy to say my prayers have been answered! I think I may have them ALL! From all of the many aches and pains, having to pee all the time, leg cramps, headaches, heart burn, light-headed and passing out, to being extremely tired and only being able to keep down toast and applesauce (sometimes), and losing a good 10 pounds! And I will never complain about any of them, because if that's the worst that happens. . . Bring it on!!! Because sadly, I know all too well what it's like when things aren't ok. The only down side to some of the aches and pains I feel is that I worry that something could go wrong! But I really try not to! Which is a lot easier said than done! We are just taking it one day at a time, and keeping faith in our Father in Heaven! I really believe that this trial has been a test of my patience, faith and trust in the Lord. I just hope I have passed this one, I know there will be many more tests to come!

Oh. . . and by the way. . . I am 20 weeks along!!! And everything is going great!!!